My father passed away on Jan. 23rd 1995 when I was only 11 years old. Even though it’s coming up on 25 years since that fateful night I still remember it like it was yesterday. I woke up late that morning thinking it must have been a snow day & there was no school. I walked to the living room to see dad & ask him if it was a late start or no school. When I came into the living room I could see it was filled with family & friends. My mom came up to me & gave me a hug then told me dad passed away last night. I was in shock & asked her if she was talking about grandpa. When you’re 11 you don’t expect your dad to die! He was only 43 & actually fairly healthy. Unfortunately he had a heart attack & passed away before the ambulance could make it.
Everything that morning was painful slow. Even though that day hurt so bad I didn’t want it to end because I had just seen my dad the night before. I was playing with some friends when my dads best friend pulled me aside to talk. What he told me ended my childhood the very second he stopped talking, he said ” my dad was a heck of a good man & with him gone I needed to step up & be the man of the house”. I know why he said it & I know losing my dad was hard on him but I took it to heart & stopped being a kid like I should have been. I don’t blame him for it because I would have done the same even if he didn’t say it. The thing that did bother me the most was people saying “it will take time but you’ll get over it” or ” I know how you’re feeling, I’ve been through the same thing”.
I understand its hard to find words to say to a kid that just lost their dad but no you haven’t been through the same thing. Even if they lost their dad as a kid as well every loss is different. I don’t assume to know how others felt do the same for me. As far as getting over it. That will never happen! You don’t “get over” the loss of someone but you will get through it. What helped me get through was knowing he is still with me in my heart & in memories.
Fay, 55 years old
On April 27th, 2005, my Mother died suddenly. On April11th her and I had gone out for our traditional birthday lunch… Looking back it was her way of saying goodbye… She didn’t want an open casket… She asked me to talk at her funeral (celebration of life). She wanted happy things and songs and no hum drum she said…and carnations…..so, I eulogized her funeral, we had happy songs and we had pastel balloons we let go at the end if service as she said I want happy and the Grandbabies to remember me… Kids love balloons! We did it her way, with carnations and happy things. It was a beautiful service… To this day I still get told by people that was the most beautiful service they have ever seen. We put poster boards up with photos that started with her great grandparents and they were put on easels around the room… It told her story! As for me… I’ve told my family.., burye I. A purple casket, with wildflowers at my funeral… They are to eulogize me as I carries them closer to my heart than anybody… They know what songs to play and the tribute if I were to go before my husband is “Boogie and Bacall”….and bury me next to my Mama.
April , 47 years old
As a Certified Funeral Celebrant, the alternative to clergy members at funerals and memorial services, I am also trying to raise my two young daughters with the awareness of death. Part of the human life cycle; we are spiritual beings experiencing a human experience—and we must all one day shed our earthly body and return it back to the earth.
Not only should we be planning for the inevitable, in making our final arrangements (at least leaving trusted family members or friends with what we would like in a funeral/memorial/final resting place), public schools should include in their curriculum, just like health and fitness, death and dying education. In addition to teaching theology and mental health, perhaps a more worldly view of Heaven and The Afterlife with age-appropriate tours to funeral homes and hospice care facilities.
By overcoming our fear of the unknown in avoidance of these “taboo topics”, we can avoid many situations with grieving families suffering the additional stress of having to decide after their loved-ones have passed.
Please visit the Resources & Links page of my web site for more information, and I am always interested in constructive feedback and requests for information about the above.
My husband Kevin & I seemed to attend many funerals which always promoted a “when I go I want” conversation on the way home. When his uncle passed away we had yet another conversation just like that but this time my husband gave a full account of how he wanted to be remembered to me and our teenaged children on the ride home. Three weeks later he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I was so thankful for that conversation. His death was sudden and tragic and I would not have had the where-with-all to know what he wanted. I’ve since had the conversation with my children.
Kurt, 53 years old
I’ve always hated funerals. Probably because of my grandma’s funeral when I was in middle school. Her funeral made me never want to have a funeral of my own. It was at a funeral home that was cold and dark, and the officiant kept mispronouncing her name…, and talked about stupid stuff like how much she loved her church (she hardly ever went to church) and what an avid gardener she was (she had a raspberry patch in her back yard.., that was the sum total of her garden).
I always thought I’d just want to be cremated and scattered in the wind. Until my best friend’s wife died, and they had the most beautiful funeral/celebration of her life that I had ever been to. She had been sick, so she knew she was going to die. She and my friend had had long talks about the legacy she wanted to leave to her friends, family and especially her children.
It was then that I realized that the funeral isn’t exactly *for* the person who dies, it’s for the people who live.
A good funeral/memorial service helps keep your memory alive in those that are left behind when you die. So when I heard about “Talk of a Lifetime,” I was very interested in using it to help me talk to my family and friends so that in case I die (or one of them dies) we can hopefully have as beautiful of a service as the one we had for my friend’s wife.
Betty, 46 years old
After my father’s funeral, our family gathered (as families do) and reminisced about his life and how much he had meant to all of us. We all decided that we needed to do that with each other *before* we die so that each of us can be part of that discussion, and realize what we mean to our loved ones before it’s too late.
We also discovered that even though it was my father’s wish to be cremated, many of our relatives were sad that we had not had a wake so they could pay their final respects. It had not occurred to my father that the funeral services are as much about those that are left behind as it was about him. It made many of us re-think how we want to be memorialized.
Have the Talk of a Lifetime is a great idea, and has spurred lots of great discussions with my family and friends. It’s not always an easy thing to talk about, but it’s so very important to do so.
Ann, 40 years old
My father in law has COPD and we’ve been looking for the right time to have the talk with him. He’s very private and often jokes around to cover up how he’s really feeling. Our young daughter came up with some questions that she wanted to ask her grandpa that would help her get to know him better. So she proceeded to ask him, what are your proudest of in your life, who’s been your greatest role model, if you went back to school what would you become. The questions and answers led to some incredible, tear jerking conversation and we saw this man in a whole new different way.